…walking into Paige’s room and finding surprises like this when she moves away to college. We’re in the middle of an art explosion here as she completes her portfolio. (Sorry for posting an unfinished work, Paige. The process is fun to watch, not just the finished product.)
The final weeks of this less than halfhearted winter signal the end and beginning of many things.
Paige has decided to attend BYU. So ends the up-and-down anticipation and insecurity in that area of her life. She is intensely busy with her classes, but beautiful sketches and paintings continue to emerge from her bedroom studio as do A’s on calculus tests and English papers from her classrooms. This end of high school stress has an overlay of fresh excitement for a new life in college.
Daniel and Timothy skied on Saturday and missed their bus ride home. I got to see where they ski for the first time when we picked them up. It was a sunny and warm ski day and the slopes were busy with little figures. These brightly clad skiers, Alpine lodges, trees, and sparkling snow were absolutely the most beautiful things I have seen all winter.
Daniel and I have been watching old musicals that I unpacked from storage. He is busy with an AP class and a research project. He has a busy social calendar which includes church dances, movie and game nights, and last week, an afternoon of sledding with a crowd of friends. We have had some late night talks which are enlightening and entertaining.
Timothy loves his after school jazz band. His goal lately is to build tiny models of all of his favorite Star Wars ships and to tease Mark. He has been attending Scout merit badge clinics and I’m still not accustomed to seeing him at youth activities. I’ll catch a glimpse of him and feel a little sentimental. How did he manage to arrive at age 12 this quickly?
Mark finished his first reading of the Book of Mormon and immediately began reading the Old Testament. If anybody can do it, Mark will. He’s put the pressure on me to help him finish his Wolf badge in Cub Scouts. The boy knows what he wants to accomplish and does it.
Baseball begins in a few weeks. It will be Timothy’s last season. It will be another season of machine pitch for Mark. The parks are beautiful here and the backdrop of the mountains is still a stunning sight to me. I look forward to evenings spent outdoors.
We bought new patches for Richard’s Scout uniform. Soon the Catalina Arizona Council patch and commissioner paraphernalia will be replaced with the Great Salt Lake Council and Assistant Scoutmaster patches. Ropes and pioneering poles are standard equipment these days. We miss having the missionaries in our home now that Richard is no longer the ward mission leader, but I think he enjoys spending time with Timothy and the other boys.
I am writing my book and playing the violin, keeping up with my study goals, and not exercising enough. I smile every time I look at these plates my grandmother gave me on my kitchen mantel.
The End.
Last night was my favorite piano recital so far for our children. They each played so well. I could hear improvement in the areas they have focused their pratice this year, whether it is in expression, strengthening the hands, or dexterity. I thought I’d share a small part of my experience at this recital, even though it only focuses on one child. They ALL made us proud.
Daniel sat down to play at the grand piano at the small recital at our library. The room was full of young boys not far into their piano study. When they heard that one of Daniel’s songs had the word, “Wizard” in the title, there were excited whispers among the youngest of boys.
I smiled, knowing exactly what the notes were coming, having heard him play them for months. I expected that Daniel would play well and I trained my attention to the rows of children behind me and how they would respond.
However, when he began to play, I learned that my attention couldn’t be shared. The music drew me to it and I could think of nothing else. Daniel’s playing was affecting me in a dramatic way. When the dynamics soard in Grieg’s Wedding Day at Troldhaugen, I saw briefly the boys in my peripheral vision respond to its power, but my eyes filled with tears and could see no more that that. I realized that I was probably the one benefitting most from this music played by my son.
The phrases of music felt like a blessing, a benediction, a celebration of his years of work. I swept away tears with my fingers and applauded when he finished. I am wondering if it’s time to just embrace the tears that come more freely with the years, or to continue to try to hide them. Do I really want to hide tears of happiness?
Last week Timothy hinted meekly that he was playing in a concert during school. I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to be there so I asked him on a scale from one to ten, how much he would like me to come. (Helping him avoid having to say the awkward, “Please don’t come, Mom.”) To my surprise, he said, “8 or 9.” So I went and I was one of four guests, three of whom were clearly grandparents. In other words, I was one of the privileged few. He even let me take a picture.
He is growing up but he still lets me be in love with him.
Last night Paige and I hosted the salad course of a progressive dinner at our house for the Young Men and Young Women in our congregation. We entertained 3 groups of 15 youths and leaders. Timothy and Daniel were in one of the groups together, but Tim didn’t depend on Daniel, nor did he sit by his dad who is now one of his youth leaders. He sat beside the new boy. I was glad to see it.
We went hiking today and Timothy spent a lot of time in a shallow cave in the canyon. When he emerged, he handed me my first hand carved sandstone valentine.
Sometimes I am guilty of giving my best to my students instead of my children. I am learning that I can give my best to both. When it is my turn to give a family home evening lesson, I share what I am learning in my personal study or preparations for lessons at church. This month I made some extra copies of the Plan of Salvation kits that I made for a young women lesson. Last night the kids cut them out and added them to their missionary/future family collections. We also prepared some for a missionary care package.
My mom told me that she would make Plan of Salvation visual aids with the missionaries all the time. She suggested that we include transparent “spirit bodies” which enter at birth, are separated at death, and reunited with the colorful physical bodies at the resurrection. I have to admit that this little detail is my favorite part of these laminated kits. Most of these elements come from The Friend Magazine, January 2008. If you want a copy I would be happy to send them to you. You can use my laminator if you’re close by, too.
I haven’t taken any pictures of the kids lately. I spend all day with Mark and when the kids come home it’s pretty nice to just be together. I haven’t taken a picture of the college admission letters Paige has received, nor the project in the garage where Richard wired for some outlets and a light. Timothy has joined us for youth activities on Wednesday nights and joined the jazz band at school. Daniel is a class officer at school and has been introduced to the world of school responsibility and some of the perks that go with it. He has been our plumber, fixing our broken sinks and his hair is getting long but I haven’t taken the time to cut it. I had a little cry in a parking lot the other day as a new level of reality set in about Paige leaving our house this year. I am happy and sad. I write and read and sew and try to create order in my lists and stitches and words as my little people spin into their own beings. It really does feel like a spin, this emergence of their individuality through all of the activities and study, milestones and challenges. It’s difficult to capture a picture of someone who is spinning.
One thing that Mark and I did for school yesterday was prepare some strawberry jam. My days with Mark are full. We move through the subjects each morning in a routine way, but that boy wants to talk to me all the time. He wants to tell me about Star Wars lore, Lego designs he is working on, his frustrations, Calvin and Hobbes comics, dry skin, skiing, friends, food, favorite flavors of Lifesavers candies, Chima Lego sets, career and college plans, etc., etc., etc…
It’s an exercise in focus for both of us. I try to understand what he’s saying and he tries really hard not to speak as he works on school assignments.
When the question came up in my scripture study about how to become more like a child, I immediately thought of Mark’s desire to connect with a parent. He wants to share almost everything with me. I should be more like that in my prayers.
I have been doing a lot of writing. The essays of my book are grounded in concrete events, so I am remembering big things and small about experiences with my children. You never know when you wake up in the morning and maybe when you go to bed that night if something from the day will become a memory. I am savoring the fact that small events such as a walk or a trip to the park rank among the Important Events of my life. I don’t remember many details about our babies’ days but I have my journals and that is a blessing.
I read an article today that asserted that all working moms wish they could stay at home and all stay at home moms wish they could go to work! What nonsense. I believe it’s possible to be ultimately content, despite proximate disappointments and worries. I also believe that people have more to offer when they’re not so busy gauging their own personal happiness.
This year I am dedicating time each day to write a book of glimpses of and reflections on motherhood.
It takes courage to write that. It will take courage to hit “publish” when I finish writing this post. I have been thinking about writing a book for a long time. I avoid publicizing my blog because the family is on display along with my words, but I want to share my writing with a larger audience. When I told Richard about my plans, he just said, “Wow, you’ve been thinking about this a lot.”
I am adapting some essays from the blog, but there will be plenty of new material, too. I work each morning for about an hour (or three). I have about 50 pages written.
I’m writing because I want to share a realistic but positive definition of motherhood without a focus on decorating nurseries and complaining about every little thing.
I’m writing because I wish there were more mothers with children over the age of ten sharing their experiences and perspective.
I’m writing because my children are growing up and I need to hold on to some memories (or write them down before I forget).
I’m writing because motherhood is difficult, but there are ways of finding joy in it. I’m writing to show others that finding joy is a strategy and it’s a skill; it’s not an air-brushed way of looking at life that refuses to acknowledge the bad.
I’m not writing because I think the book will be picked up by a publisher; in fact, I’ll probably have to print the book on the old laser jet and have it bound at the local print shop. The important thing is that my family will have this record. I will have this record. If anyone else can benefit from it and enjoy it, that will make me happy, too.
Any advice, requests… (encouragement)?