Motherhood – Page 32 – Letters from Home

Frontier living

We’re living frontier-style with our bed in the living room while we paint our master bedroom. It’s like Little House on the Prairie here as I awake to find the kids pouring cereal in the kitchen, just feet away from me. Our new foam mattress arrived this week in a very compact box. As we pulled away the plastic, it grew to normal size in half a minute.The mattress on the living room floor is so much nicer than our old mattress that we have made up the bed and go to sleep to the sound of the dishwasher each night.

I took pictures of the “still” times that our family enjoyed this week. Mostly, though, it was all go. The evenings after we finished our activities were precious. One night we pulled out Scrabble. Other nights we walked. For Family Home Evening, we played a version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire that Richard and I made with Book of Mormon trivia questions. One night we entertained my mom and my brother Matt’s family.

I feel like I am coming out of a Relief Society trance. It’s all I have been able to think about or do for the past five weeks. But now that I “know” the visiting teaching routes and I am getting into a schedule of visits and meetings, I can manage my time better. And wow, do I need to do that. I forgot to write Mark’s talk for Primary. I forgot that summer is ending. The boys start school next week. Paige moves out the week after that. What?

We went to the book store and Paige and Daniel didn’t spend much time in the fluffy literature section. I found them camped out in the college prep section. It’s like I saw their childhoods flutter away at that moment. I shook my head and walked back to the children’s section where I could reminisce about the days when we read picture books together. Then I bought myself a coloring book.

Today I’m remembering that it’s the 3rd anniversary of the day I drove the kids to Utah, saying goodbye to our home and friends in Arizona. I miss a few things about Arizona, but I have never regretted moving here. The house projects move at a snail’s pace between errands, but we are getting it done.

Art, Science, Wildflowers & Family

It was a social week for us, with house guests in many corners, a science camp, an art camp, full evenings, and a family reunion. I ate a burrito from Freebirds with Richard and Nancy. Mark and I were stung by wasps and Richard and Daniel came to the rescue, vacuumed them up as they flew around their nest, and sealed up the entrance to their nest beneath our house.

My knowledge and interests have expanded over the years as I have waited in my van for kids at music lessons, school, church activities, and ballet. This week I read a lot at the University of Utah while I waited for Timothy at science camp. My van is almost the only place I could read this week. At this rate, I should finish my book by Christmas. Something I did for myself was attend the New Testament Commentary Conference at BYU on Friday afternoon to hear my friend Julie speak. I stole the photo of Julie from Facebook.

A favorite moment was with Paige and Richard when we took a drive to the Albion basin to see the wildflowers. At sunset, a bull moose emerged between the trees. Its long legs made its leisurely walk as fast as our truck as we moved along the road trying to get a blurry photo. That evening I saw flowers; Richard saw the slopes he normally visits on his skis. We wove two separate themes as we talked. “Oh, look at that shade of pink…and those purple flowers! I’m dying.” To which he replied, “I can’t believe I ski over all of those boulders!” spoken with an equal sense of wonder.

Another adventure we had was weeding and planting carrots at the Church garden. The missionary in charge of the carrots kept handing us carrots for breakfast. Not wanting to hurt his feelings, we rinsed them with our dirty hands in the sprinklers and munched as we weeded. “They taste like carrots,” Richard said. We spent two hours with our whole family, working and laughing together, so I was happy.

The kids enjoyed time with 20 cousins this week, bouncing, splashing, and running. Ours is a family with cousins in perpetual motion. In the kids’ cubbies at Spring Lake, we found notes that Grandma had encouraged the Sanchez cousins to write to one another. Here are a few:

Dear Paige, I love you.

Dear Mortiky, Hi, I’m David. I love you!

To Timothy [puppy drawing] signed DAVID

A top secret note from Hogwarts School, sealed for Mark

Dear Paige, I love you. You’re my buddiey.

Dear Daniel, I painted you a picture. You’re welcome. <3 Paige

We watched the most lingering sunset ever on Saturday night. As the late summer evening darkened, the Payson temple began to glow. Watching this heavenly Changing of the Guard in silence, the light source changing from sun to temple, fed my soul.

Art and Memory

As I have worked on the story of our family I’ve read journals, handled baby clothes, played music, and sifted through gifts from my children to awaken memories. I have seen how the arts have a power over memory that my conscious efforts don’t. I listened to an album from Paige’s childhood and the music didn’t bring back many concrete memories, but a yearning and a sweet ache. Feelings aren’t always nonsense. They can teach things that concrete objects can’t. My history isn’t just a chronology, it’s also emotion and motives not easily explained.

Music reminds me that there is a reality beyond memory that is sweet and real. Many details of motherhood are lost to me because I was tired and I didn’t write everything down. Music helps me remember what my mind cannot: how it felt to draw myself out to my children. It reminds me of unfiltered vulnerability and sacrifice, which are some of the ways I have loved.

Words, harnessed and molded, also help me understand my blessings. If I capture moments in words, they become objects of gratitude. Blessings multiply before my mind as I record Mark’s funny quotes, or the times when Timothy walked around the pool talking to the plants when he was a baby. Blessings take the form of the sparkle in Paige’s eyes when she danced and showed us her magnificent spirit on stage, or when Daniel, completely disarmed after a week away from home, gave me a long hug when he returned. These little things become pillars of memory as I take time to record them. It’s not just the big events that matter. Now recorded in words, these little memories are a testament to the blessings of having children; of the blessing of being alive.

Why make the effort to write? I want to be a voice that champions family. I want my family to know they are my favorite people.

Mothering was something I always wanted to do. It’s satisfying to me. It involves pain, worry, and frustration, too. It’s the role I cling to, but must find activities apart from, in order to be successful. Music and writing are those activities, yet they also bring me back to my family. I have an identity outside my titles, roles, and errands, but my role in the family has helped me in every way. I’m so thankful to be a daughter, sister, wife, and mother.

Daniel on Pioneer Trek

Daniel is off to Pioneer Trek this morning. If you see me with a distant look this week it’s because my thoughts are in Wyoming as I weave a long prayer for safety and strength for these kids. Or it’s because I’m choosing not to think and not to worry. This sendoff is a hard one for me. I try to send the kids off for adventures because it’s the right thing to do. I have raised our kids in a world that looks down on parents who let their kids out of their sight. It’s hard not to be affected by that paranoia. Plus I had heat stroke when I went on trek 3 years ago and I don’t want that for anyone.

I’m convinced that worry is the opposite of what God wants us to do with our thoughts. So this week it’s prayer and work and zoning out, but not worry for me. Because even in my worst experiences in life, I have been lifted. Daniel will be lifted, too.

Quiet Paige is Formidable

As Paige is graduating this week, I thought I’d share one of my essays about her from my memoir project.

Quiet Paige is Formidable

When Paige was four or five years old, she was part of a class of children in church with two darling teachers, Katrina Kuriplach and Lisa Stott. One day during the lesson the children were challenged to pick up a penny without using their thumbs. This task was designed to be impossible, perhaps to point out the amazing design of our bodies. Children took turns coming to the front of the room and tried to pick up the penny with only their fingers, but each failed. Quiet, hesitant Paige surprised them all when she walked up to the penny, brushed it off the book without using her thumbs, and caught it with her other hand when it fell.

When Paige was three, she dressed up for Halloween as Mary Poppins. Our neighbors’ daughter Kaitlyn was her best friend. We went trick-or-treating together as families and watched our little girls run ahead of us to the next house. Kaitlyn’s mother took the opportunity to tell me that Kaitlyn had tried to get Paige to dress in a coordinating costume. Kaitlyn was a blue dog, and she wanted Paige to be the pink dog. (Blue and Magenta from the show, Blues Clues) However, Kaitlyn’s mother said that Paige would have nothing to do with the idea. “Paige is independent and strong-willed,” she told me. I had worried that Paige’s silent nature might mean a life of getting pushed around by others, and this was a welcome insight!

I have learned from having a quiet child and being quiet myself that it’s possible to have strength, resilience, and ingenuity while being quiet. It is an important day when someone will acknowledge that.

At age eight when Paige was interviewed by our bishop for baptism, I received a call from the bishop telling me that he had been impressed by Paige’s answers to his questions about the gospel. He told me that it was a “Charlie Brown” moment in his life. He had become the adult whose words were muddled and unimportant as Paige’s clear and profound answers became the focus and highlight of the conversation. Many years later when we were living in Arizona, this bishop wrote to me,

Paige remains the most amazing baptism interview of my Bishop career…she left an indelible impression of goodness and purpose… Her light reflects her intrinsic beauty, value and a maturity far beyond her mortal years… Her understanding of and her insight into our Father’s Plan of Happiness leaves her untroubled with the ‘Do’s and Don’t’s’ of the commandments… While I may no longer recognize her in a crowd, I will love her forever.

Art show and retrospective

Paige has been gracious to let me post these.

1-c-binoculars-sma — Timothy at Yellowstone by Paige… I like this painting because it captures Timothy’s particular way of sitting, the curve and color of his hair, and his interest in nature. Oh, and the fabric of his sweatshirt is awesome. Watercolor painting is difficult!

We have a winner in the school election at our house! It will be a good thing for Timothy to serve his school next year. He is smart, dependable, and precise. He’s tall, handsome, and adventurous. His best friend returned from his year-long trip around the world, so happy days are here for Tim this summer.

1-b-cello-sma — Daniel playing cello by Paige… I like this drawing because I saw Paige really emerge as a portrait artist on this one. I like the interesting perspective on this scene of Daniel practicing. Daniel is giving up playing the cello, so this is a nice memory of the instrument.

Daniel took off this year in many new directions, from student government to robotics, becoming a fan of English grammar exercises and hosting the first teen parties at our house. Daniel is a good driver, a great friend, and people can count on him to get things done, even if it’s moving 2,000 pounds of Mason jars 6 times for Prom. 🙂

1-c-snowboy-sma — Mark in the snow by Paige… I like this painting because of its softness. It reminds me of the style of paintings that I love in children’s books. It captures Mark’s concentration, the curve of his nose, and his play. I have learned that children don’t “play” for very many years. This is a treasure that captures the innocence and seriousness of real play.

Mark delights me with the things he says. Sometimes brutally honest, always insightful, and very often funny, conversations with him have been a joy. He’s grown so much, his legs no longer having the soft lines of childhood, but the long bones and prominent knees of an older boy. His permanent teeth have grown in this year, and the whistle in his speech is disappearing.

1-c-paige-sma — I think self portraits are so difficult. I like the natural wood, the flowers, and the expression on Paige’s face. I love that she had the courage to do a self portrait and that it’s a bit unconventional. I am thankful that she loves art.

We attended Paige’s senior awards night this week. She was honored for having a 4.0 cumulative GPA and received a scholarship and other awards. Because of our unconventional choice to home school, Paige needed to make up a year’s worth of high school credit if she wished to graduate. Colleges are great about accepting home school students, whether they graduate or not, but she decided to go for the diploma. She did 4 years of high school work in 3 years, 95% of the makeup work being done during her senior year. She has a summer job and is off to BYU in the fall. It’s a time of celebration for Paige this week. We are so very proud of her.

What does it take to have music like that in my home?

1-new piano — We bought this piano in February 2007.

Daniel and Paige played piano in public this week. Someone leaned over to me and asked what it takes to have kids play music like that in my home.

I deferred to Paige to tell the woman how long she’s studied piano, and I started thinking about “what it took” to get where we are now. My mind kept going back to the financial aspect of it as I drove away from the event in my 16-year-old van (which I love). Every month, instead of a car payment, we pay a piano teacher. Can a person learn to play piano with a less expensive teacher? Of course! But we wanted the opportunities a professional teacher could offer. We invested in a grand piano in 2007. The kids love this instrument and it is fun to play. This helps them want to practice. Can a person learn to play beautifully on an upright piano? Of course! For our family, having this piano in a music room has been a symbol of our commitment to music and this commitment has become part of our family culture. As for incentives for practicing, we don’t allow media time until the kids have practiced. That’s been a great motivator for the boys.

Besides the financial investment, there is an investment of time. By no means do I resent the money and time we have spent, but I started calculating how much time we have given for music study. Richard taught Paige for two years. I spend one afternoon a week shuttling kids to and from piano lessons. I’ve done that for 10 years. On piano lesson days, I don’t try to do anything that requires focused attention. I’ll fold laundry between lessons or do little projects around the house, but then it’s time to get in the car again. I have no idea how many hours I’ve spent driving. Piano lessons always go over time, so I wait. Waiting 20-30 minutes a week for 10 years means that I’ve spent over 200 hours sitting in the van waiting for the kids to finish piano lessons. Who knows how many hours I’ve spent waiting at ensemble rehearsals, judging events, and recitals. I read while I wait, so it’s nice. And then there is the time that I am home, monitoring practice, or making sure that it happens. I’m grateful that I am home to do this. Is our method the only way to produce great musicians? No! But every hour, every dollar, and every sacrifice is worth it “to have music like that in our home.”

Mark on the Move; Mom on the Floor

Mark is studying energy in science class. The information seeps into everyday conversations and is a new lens through which I see things. I’ll look at a photo and think, that’s a great example of mechanical energy, or, that trampoline has too much potential energy for that group of kids trying to jump on it together. Mark received a rubber band car for his birthday, and Richard pointed out that this would be a great energy experiment. All I could feel was gratitude that I didn’t need to come up with a science lab this week.

Timothy forgot his gym clothes yesterday and by some miracle I noticed it. I ran them down to the school and left them in the office. The receptionist added his name to a LONG list of students who would be called to the office to retrieve their forgotten work. One of the receptionists said that it was an especially “forgetful” day at the school and the office had seen a long stream of parents that morning, and it was only 8:30. It’s no wonder we forget things these days. There’s too much to remember.

HOW many more days until the schools relent on their activities and baseball comes to an end? WHY does the middle school think that it’s a good time to hold student body elections? We have to produce a video… immediately?! I’m trying to peel myself off the floor this morning and face this day. I wish I could handle this busy time, but I can’t. I canceled violin lessons yesterday and read the Bible instead. I couldn’t do another thing. I’m mostly okay with that decision. Mostly. 🙂

Coming Home

I love coming home. Most of the time. There was one day this week that I sat out in the garage for a while before coming in because I didn’t want to face a couple of grumpy kids.

I like to come home to someone playing the piano. Last night as I drove home, I saw Timothy framed in our front room window, just home from a Boy Scout merit badge class, still in his baseball uniform, practicing the piano. This scene in the window, framing his act of dedication, was beautiful to me.

Thank you for reading. I wish we could go out to lunch together instead, but at least we have this connection. Have a happy weekend!

1-DSC_2809 — Anniversary roses from Richard

The Cacophany that is Spring

Baseball

Construction in the neighborhood. Boom! Boom! Rattta-tat-tat! Sloosh!

Writing my book

Pursuing study

Birthdays for almost every extended family member

Music all the time

School deadlines

AP tests and study sessions

Graduation details

Messy flower beds

Anniversary love notes each day in the mail from Richard

Youth activities

Jazz band practices

A teen with a broken cell phone (The horror!)

Reading something good

Meals on the run

Pink flowering tree views out of the windows

Shorter hair

Ski equipment in storage

Almost finished with the school books

Field trip season

Crowded visit to the Bean Museum this week

First fly in the house

Open windows and bird song

Losing my view of the mountains because the leaves are back

Pastels, not blacks and browns

Snow last week, sunshine this week

I’m only allowed to bring healthy snacks to baseball?

Scout camp

Goodbye, Gilbert Blythe. I’m totally watching Anne of Green Gables this weekend.