Category: Motherhood

Margins

I have always had meaningful work at church until five months ago. Even after out-of-state moves, I was busy at church within a month. I count these last five months as some of the most trying of my life. I have continued to minister to people on my own, and that has been sweet and saving, but there was a dread that crept in every Saturday night when I remembered that church was the next day. I wanted to partake of the sacrament, but I was sad to have nothing to do at church. (I was given a church job but I had to wait several months to act.)

For the first time in my life, I was experiencing what it feels like to be the marginal person whom people do not ask for help. Sure, I had a husband and children on the bench with me, so I looked like the model church goer, but my spirit was living on the margins.

Meaningful work is one key to mental health. The timing of school starting and no longer home schooling, Daniel going on a mission, and being released as RS president meant that I lost almost every piece of meaningful work in the same month.

I am coming out on the other side of that pain now and I am glad I went to church each week, even when it was hard.

I am glad I followed the prophet’s 4 tasks given to the women of the church, even though I was so angry at the time. Those tasks weren’t token acts to show I was being good. This was preparation for meaningful work in a home centered church.

The other night I was looking at pictures from the last five months, and you know what? I don’t look the way I felt inside. I actually have a bit of a glow in my smile. Where was God during all of this time of pain? His Spirit was right inside of me, holding me up and teaching me. I had a private tutor, guiding my thoughts and giving me courage to keep going. I see it now. At the time, I thought I was living on the margins of the flock, unnoticed, but I was actually being upheld by God. There is no better inclusion than that. I know God a little better now, and he is with the people on the margins.

Snow, Words, and Studio

Klondike Derby with the Boy Scouts
I spent some time at BYU for a New Testament Commentary conference (yay Julie) and stopped by Paige’s studio.

I have spent an insane amount of time looking at short videos of Mark’s Scout Troop playing in the snow at the Klondike Derby this weekend. It brings me such delight to hear the boys’ voices and see them trying to run in snow pants and colorful parkas against a snowy background. It is the end of childhood and they are playing. My heart!

We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.

Anais Nin

Simple, uncomplicated me, just dipping my toes into being a mother of adults, wonders, “What do I know?” Very little. Nothing at all. But I delight in hearing my friend Julie Smith speak, whose book, The Gospel According to Mark, A New Rendition, was just published. I delight in seeing little boys happy, in seeing Paige’s actual palette of paints, in hearing Tim’s friends laughing in the basement, and watching Richard enjoy the lemon bars I made. There is depth and validity in those delights. It was a good weekend.

Witness

Building after evacuation

Today Daniel’s apartment building caught on fire in Santiago, Chile. He escaped, thanks to living angels who stopped to warn, guide, and unlock doors. Feel free to join me in prayers of gratitude for his protection. He grabbed his scriptures, wallet, keys, camera, and photos which were already prepared for travel. He already had his shoes on when the call came to escape. He and the other elders had to abandon a smoky stairwell with hot handrails for a different route out. When they were trapped on the roof, with only locked doors to stairs going down, someone came up to open a locked door to a safe stairwell. A quote from his message today:

Needless to say, that was an intense experience. Maybe we were never in real danger. But my mindset changed. As a missionary, I already have very few personal belongings, but as I stood there with reminders of my family and my scriptures with all my markings and couldn’t think of anything else I would want to save I realized how easily we can get distracted by things that don’t last. There are a lot of things I left behind that don’t matter, and now that’s especially clear to me. 

God really does protect us, guide us, answer prayers, and puts people, thoughts, and when necessary angels in our lives to help us return to live with him again. The Savior truly understands us, and through his infinite sacrifice and atonement we can be cleansed from sin.

-Elder Daniel Ross

I was very unwell all morning before I heard about this. Maybe I knew on some level he was in danger. I also felt complete peace when he announced his call (mission assignment) last April. I don’t need any more assurance that all will be well, whatever things look like at present. I don’t think he has his “cloak,” but he does have his “parchments,” (2 Timothy 4:13), and knows the value of them.

And last of all, here is a link to the journal page for our study of Matthew 2 and Luke 2 at our house for the week of January 14-20.

Some good memories from December

We visited Temple Square on one of the warmest December nights we have known. We were able to listen to the Nativity narration outdoors and noticed for the first time that there is a star mounted on top of the Tabernacle. We had just fed the missionaries dinner before we came, and their message was to “Look up!” Amen.
Timothy and I played a medley of German Christmas carols at church and for family. He is a great pianist and accompanist.
Timothy got his license.
We had a birthday party for Tim and my parents came.
Mark made raspberry jam for his dad’s Christmas present. 😍
I shopped for stuffed animals. The giraffe!
Christmas morning fun

We were able to do a video call with Daniel and we didn’t need all of those questions we planned to ask. He talked non-stop, with enthusiasm, zeal, and happiness pouring forth. I didn’t know how much I needed to just see him and hear him speak. I didn’t take a picture of the screen, but imagine light, clothed in the Christmas tie that I was told he probably wouldn’t receive in the mail, a short haircut, sunburned neck, and speaking a mixture of Spanish and English, really fast. That was Daniel. Nothing sad about that.

Paige is with us, and moves from her room, where she is catching up on some reading, to the piano, every few hours throughout the day. Chopin, Debussy, and Jane Austen scores are now in the mix played on our piano. She is all things lovely.

Type and Shadow

I feel kinship and pity for Mary who gave birth in a stable. I had an emergency birth with strangers to attend, in a place I didn’t choose, and the feelings I had were fear, frustration, disappointment, and embarrassment. The shepherds were ready to proclaim his birth, but Mary kept these things and pondered them in her heart. I think that is appropriate. In order for there to be tidings of great joy, Mary’s experience had to be difficult, and not easily explained. I read that the manger was likely carved from limestone, somewhat similar to an altar. Even in this lowly place, there was a type and shadow of sacrifice for the Savior’s bed. Luke’s record seems to have the details Mary would remember. The cold manger is one of those details, type and shadow, present even at birth.

Shadows of another kind also accompany Christmas. All light will produce it. In contrast to my feelings of cheer, there is also shadow. My solution when I feel it is to hang more lights and decorations. We have four Christmas trees this year.

The full nature of the Savior’s ministry was to conquer every difficulty, and in this is our hope: he is a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. The pivotal truth of Christmas is that Jesus came, experienced, and overcame all. He was real. Jesus wept.

I have wept as I comforted a friend this month, and felt more Christmas spirit in that act than any other thing I have done to keep Christmas. I welcome this shadow, because somewhere in that shared cry was also joy.

Daniel’s light still shines for us, and is a source of joy, but his absence is still shadow. This year, Christmas brings into focus a stone manger as an altar, and feelings about my own son far from home. It is a joyful Christmas, but like a drawing, there is neither definition nor depth without shadow.

The Season of Expectation

These pictures are my favorites from the week. We had a lovely time hearing Tim’s concerts and doing Christmas things.

At the beginning of the week, instead of filling my to do lists, I purposely left big gaps for rest. I was a little bit successful, considering it is the season of expectation. I find that Richard and the boys are clinging to traditions a little more this year. “When are we going to bake…,” and, “What Christmas movie will we watch tonight?” Maybe it helps fill in the holes in our family.

Two Weeks of Music


The boys had two very busy weeks of performances, from jazz band to piano recitals and piano concerto performances.  Richard took me to the Utah Symphony and Utah Opera production of Candide because he knows I like Opera.

With two children grown and gone, I see the little things such as reading, the arts, and music are part of my most precious memories. I have no regrets for the resources and time spent on lessons and books.

To watch a child do something well is one of the supreme joys in life. 2018 has been full of these moments. Well done, my children. You bring me joy!

Once Upon a Time

I drove past the masses of cars at the elementary school Halloween parade this morning on my way to an Old Testament class. And I felt old, but ok with that.

Once upon a time, I was a great costume maker for the cutest children ever. It is enough for me to just have memories now.

Update: It’s enough to have memories AND my youngest show up at the door with his friends. 😉

Catching up

Mark was honored as an Eastmont Patriot of the Month for citizenship, leadership, scholarship, and extra-curricular activities. Woot!

I helped make this quilt for a new baby in the neighborhood.

Every conversation at our house includes a status update on my massive painting project and Richard’s apple harvest. I stopped counting gallons of paint, but Richard knows exactly how many pounds of apples were produced.

Court of Honor

Missionary

BYU Homecoming Spectacular 3rd row seats. Awesome!

It’s Inktober for Paige on Instagram.

ONE page of a piece Timothy is working on. Legit!

Did I mention I am painting a lot? It feels like our house is finally becoming our own. I waited a long time to paint because I knew what a big job it would be and I didn’t have the time. So far, I have spent about 17 full days on it. I have not had this kind of time…ever in my life to devote to such a project. Someday I might post “after” pictures, but you could also come and visit.