Category: Motherhood

Past, Present, Future

Tiny art by Paige for my miniature museum, featuring Tim as a missionary in Micronesia.

Being the planner that I am, I get lost in future scenarios really easily. I love to sit down with my day planner and organize everything. Sometimes I have to limit how long I allow myself to live in the future because hello, there are people here, right now, that could use some attention.

I also have a sentimental side that collects images and artifacts from every event in our lives. I find that when I am most stressed, it is my memories that will ground me. Favorite escape memories for me often involve scenes from my childhood: a still, black, icy night walking home from a tithing settlement with my family; feeling static shocks at my great-grandmother’s house from her shag carpet while eating her pink wintergreen lozenges; the leathery, then papery crunch of autumn leaves under my feet as I walked home from elementary school on a golden afternoon. The past is a friend when I am a bag of nerves.

The present is probably the least easy place for me to inhabit. But this week that is where I have tried to live. We spent time with Tim and Mark last Friday, a last hurrah together before the mission. I didn’t take pictures, just mental ones. I have tried to be open to what the last week of regular life has brought to us. I watched Tim and Elder Josh Marz together in our front yard, talking and smiling on Josh’s last P-day before flying to his mission. I watched some shows with Mark who has a cold. I walked around a store and explored the Christmas aisles instead of just my usual in-and-out beeline to the things on my list.

We gather tomorrow for an outdoor goodbye party for Tim. On Sunday, he will speak in church and be set apart as a missionary. All the planning and work makes the present more enjoyable. My word of the month is SHINE. We’re ready.

Good news

photo by Rachel Angela Photography

Our mailman has been 3 for 3 this week for bringing good things. He delivered the long awaited passport. The next two days he delivered some family history and a kind note. I have been praying for that silly passport to come, and feel so happy that we are moving forward again with Tim’s travel details. I learned a new dimension of trust in God’s will as I gave up my worry each day, a tattered offering to God who does not make mistakes, and whose will is done on earth as it is in heaven.

Autumn vibe

Current light in my house is in the shades of orange and yellow, and I am a project-driven maniac. Fall is my time. It is when I was born. It is when I get things accomplished. Mission list? DONE. Christmas presents? Almost DONE. Neighbor gifts? BOOM! November and December, I am ready. Bring all you have to ask of me. Bring it all: a missionary, home MTC, Primary programs, speaking and training assignments, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Thanks to a healthy and productive October I am more prepared face all the things, and have a cushion of time for the goodbye. I fall apart sometimes, and it isn’t all perfect, but I know God has been in the details of this season.

What has happened since that first sunflower

The sunflowers now dominate this bed of raspberries and strawberries. Do you remember the story of my wild sunflower (the one with all the branches)?

A single sunflower that we had not planted bloomed the week that Daniel left on his mission. I considered it a gift from God, a comfort to me. A year later, on the anniversary of Daniel’s departure, a single sunflower bloomed in the same place as the year before. The third year, the sunflower had a mishap and was removed. I told Richard that a sunflower in that spot was important to me, and he planted some sunflower seeds in the area so I wouldn’t go without in 2021. But my friends, the wild sunflower, the one that comforted me all those years ago, the one that was removed last year, has come back again this year in its boldest array so far. The other sunflowers delight me, but this wild sunflower bush is special because I believe God makes it blossom just for me, one little missionary mom.

Refrigerator Gallery

I look at the current collection of photos on the refrigerator and think how much has happened since the last time I replenished this casual little photo gallery. 2021 has been a big year. A milestone year. And now the summer of 2021 is gone. I have so many photos that are refrigerator-worthy this year and it’s a little daunting to decide how to use them all.

Beyond the refrigerator gallery and a few framed photos around the house, I make a photo album each year. In the early days my albums were scrapbooks, but eventually I embraced professionally printed photo books, which are a much better choice for us. I try to label everything with dates and places and people because these are the details of our lives that I don’t want to forget. I have learned to include photos of the mundane things, not just milestones in our photo books.

This Labor Day weekend, I plan to refresh the photos on the refrigerator to embrace the new season, our last season with Tim for a long time. And in a few months, we’ll have photos of scenes from the South Pacific to brighten the space. My refrigerator photo gallery is a reminder of where we have been, and as I update the photos, it reminds me that there are always exciting things ahead to take the place of our current milestones. We are not meant to stay in place.

Supper

Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and I will sup with him, and he with me.

Revelation 3:20, KJV

I read this today in a list of scriptures about the Lord making appearances to people. What stood out to me is what the Lord chooses to do with those who hear him and invite him into their lives: He sups with them. The meal represents the great blessing of having companionship with God and receiving his loving support. I think it conveys feelings of comfort, rest, and fulfillment.

I have been thinking of what the pandemic has brought to us. One blessing is that we have had more time with all of our children. Did I always use the time well? No, I have regrets, but I don’t regret that I elevated Sunday dinners and other meals. Early in the pandemic, I prayed to know how to face the challenge, and one thing that came to my mind was to make the most of family time, and to create celebrations with our meals together.

I have used fine dishes for our Sunday dinners, with cloth napkins, goblets, chargers, good tablecloths, and our best recipes. I started a written record of which children came and what we talked about. I can’t think of a more bonding experience than these meals have been during this challenging time.

We said goodbye to Daniel last weekend as he headed back to college. He doesn’t live far away, but it’s far enough that we won’t see him every day, every week, and maybe miss a month now and then. Knowing there is one less person at the table is one of the hardest parts of saying goodbye each fall.

Tim will leave us soon to begin his mission, and these meals with him mean more and more to me, as I know they are numbered. Tim received the Melchizedek priesthood on Sunday, and I was invited to share my thoughts at the conclusion of his ordination and blessing. I didn’t have to think of something profound, I just reminded him of something we had talked about at last Sunday’s dinner table. This table has become a truly sacred place for our family.

UFOs

Here are some sound effects to play in the background as we take a scroll through some of my UFOs (UnFinished Objects).

page 667/798
This is really hard to read on the Kindle. I think I will get a physical copy to finish it.
and some more books
This will be a quilt someday.
I need someone to hold my hand on this next step of family history research. I need to find the right person, and hopefully they can read Finnish.
It has been too tender a year to work on this.
The front porch flower container broke, so I need to transplant some flowers to a new pot.
This is a project for my embroidery machine for my mom’s craft room.
This is my souvenir from Oregon. I am getting close.

not pictured:

Tim’s missionary list

It doesn’t bother me to have some unfinished things. It just means that good times are ahead as I finish them. The priority is all of the mission stuff for a while.

25 years old

I cannot believe 25 years have passed, and I knew the day she was born that it was not her first moment of existence. Paige carried a distinct presence, bright and thoughtful, that continues to grow. It is a joy and privilege to be her mother.

I testify that your own personal journey as a child of God did not begin for you as the first flow of earth’s air came rushing into your lungs, and it will not end when you take your last breath of mortality. May we always remember that each spirit child of God is coming to earth on his or her own personal journey. May we welcome them, safeguard them, and always love them. As you receive these precious children in the Savior’s name and help them in their eternal journey, I promise you that the Lord will bless you and shower His love and approval upon you.

Elder Neil L. Andersen, “The Personal Journey of a Child of God,” Liahona, May 2021.