We sent our missionary out today with a mass of other young elders at the airport. The empathy tears for other mothers and my own calm were surprises to me. I felt God was there, too. That was no surprise.
Category: Missionary
New lenses
Richard dreads the idea of having to wear glasses, but I have worn them since I was nine or ten years old and know how great it is to have vision restored. Like Richard, though, I sometimes fight the different lenses I need to take on with time: the lens of experience in saying goodbye at college or a mission, the lens of what it’s like to sit with someone who is in pain, and the lens to look outward when my own troubles want to dominate my view. The lenses of experience with disappointment, repentance, and wisdom after stupidity are particularly difficult to assume sometimes.
I think the most difficult thing I ever did was say goodbye to my friends who went on missions. Three best friends left within a year and I was shaken emotionally and physically. For this reason, I worried what it would be like to send Daniel, who is more dear to me, on a mission. I have my moments, of course, but I have something I didn’t have when I said goodbye to my friends when I was 18 and 19 years old. The lenses I have acquired over time teach me that a mission is not just a goodbye. It is everything good. I have seen it again and again. I am really as peaceful about this as I have ever felt over a big transition. I felt it when he read his call to me. I feel it now, even though we have less than a week left together. It is peace not earned by personal experience, since I have never sent a son before, but it’s evidence of a generous God.
The Things I Want to Remember
There are many things that I could write about today: a week full of challenges and adventures, sweet moments, and goodness. I think will share my gratitude list from last week.
July 16-22, 2018
Kind woman who helped Daniel select temple clothing
Nice woman at the health department
We toured each boy’s bedroom (each showed something they were working on) for family night and ended the evening watching funny YouTube videos together on Mark’s bed.
The Pickwick Papers miniseries
I was given the right words to say to a sister who needed some help.
A sweet birthday visit to my dad
My presidency, especially my secretary who is moving this week. Her service has been immense.
The polka dot skirt
The boys were protected on their trip to Fish Creek.
Two-year-old Layton’s prayer for me during his mom’s visit to my home
Paige had a great week in New York.
We found a coat for the mission.
The mission shopping is nearly complete.
Daniel’s hug in the celestial room of the temple
Skirt
Almost every day I shop for Daniel, I find mothers out with their sons buying mission clothing, too. I don’t even have to see them to feel some familiarity. Today I overheard a woman helping her son find a travel bag in the next aisle. I knew exactly what was going on. When I see these mothers with their wide-eyed, humble sons, it makes me ache for the mothers a bit. Maybe these moms would also appreciate something cheerful to wear. 😉 I finished sewing my polka dot skirt!
Polka dots and t-shirts
I am convinced that I need polka dots to get through the next few weeks so I am making myself a polka dot skirt. Will I finish it today? I hope so.
Today I will not obsess about Daniel’s suits being the wrong fit or colors. (They are fine. Why can’t I believe that? Who is this paranoid person?) I will not worry about all of the name labels I should be sewing on his clothing, nor the alterations I still need to do. (This will actually be easy, and I will enjoy a movie or two as I do it.) I will stop crying about not being able to find a winter coat for him because I think I finally found two good options late last night online. (And I have lots more time since it is expected that we will ship these things to him in a couple months.) I will stop wishing I had a big sister and appreciate all the sisters who surround me.
I am using every method at my disposal to WIN these days and weeks leading up to the mission: savoring every bite of my food, watching British entertainment, decorating with twinkle lights, embracing positive words, and taking spontaneous time with the boys. Melancholy still seeps in, and when it does, I just take it, have my little cry or whatever, and think about my polka dot skirt. But don’t let this post about fabrics fool you. When I am obsessing about socks or a suit or polka dots, it is really that I am having a hard time saying goodbye to Daniel. The person, not the mannequin I am dressing. Finding the right clothes is really the least of my worries.
I have adopted some armor. When I wear positive messages, it changes how I think. I bought a lot of happy screen print t-shirts, enough for every day of the week.
I plan to pair them with my polka dot skirt. Here are a few of them:
It won’t wear one of these on the day we say goodbye since I plan to experience every feeling that day without armor.
To Myself
To myself:
Take these tender experiences and allow them to take a flight with you in your soul. Above the winds and the pull of distractions and Earth, examine each, and ask, “Does this provide a lesson for the mind or heart?” Lessons of the heart require more time aloft.
Avoid the tendency to land too early in your assessment of the big lessons. “I can’t do it,” and “Why?” are things we say when we have landed too soon. Trust that as you fly, your heart will grow into lessons too big for you right now in your current state.
And the ugly lessons, the ones that tear the heart and torture the mind? The longer you fly, the softer the lesson will seem when you land, aged and wise. What burdened you once will seem like a light thing, perhaps even a sweet thing then. So keep flying.
Mission Call for Daniel
Chile Santiago West, August 7, Mexico MTC