Category: Hope

179 years old

As I drove past the church parking lot on an errand, I saw that my neighbor wrestled to manage a plastic tablecloth in the wind. The balloons, color coordinated for a Relief Society birthday party, knocked around perilously, and I wondered if they would still be there when the outdoor-socially-distanced-grab-a-cupcake-and-visit safely-party began. When I arrived twenty minutes later, there were just a few women, masked and shivering along the sidewalk, enduring the cold for connection. A sister I love noticed me and held my arm and inquired, for real, how I was doing. Later, another sister said she heard I had been through a hard time. Then she listened, just listened.

I had to leave quickly, but I am glad for the ten or fifteen minutes I shared with my friends. I know that in those minutes, two friends gave something vital to me. I was the only one there with church keys, so I was able to open the building for the women to take shelter from the wind. As I write this, I remember what Mark said when I told him the story, “Mom, you and your Relief Society hijinks.” Beyond the “rebellion” of a few women sheltering inside the church during a pandemic in order to talk for a few minutes, I would say Relief Society has always been about helping women and families come inside from the wind. Happy birthday, Relief Society.

Not acted upon by fear

In my earliest months of middle school, I struggled a lot. One day, as I sat in the cafeteria waiting for an assembly to start, a woman gently got my attention and told me she noticed that I kept holding my breath. She invited me to breathe.

That experience keeps coming back to me as I notice that I have been holding my breath lately, just as I did as an anxious seventh grader.

Satan wants us to be miserable, and his tactic is to lie.

Anxiety is an investment in lies. It is a focus on things that have not happened, and therefore not grounded in truth.

In contrast, God’s goal for us is joy through a full exercise of agency. When we “act for ourselves” rather than allow ourselves to be “acted upon” by fears or other influences, this is an important step to joy. (2 Nephi 2:18-27)

A favorite line from the movie Mulan is, “There is no courage without fear.” I don’t think I will ever be free from some degree of fear, but I am learning to manage it.

Lately, when I play the violin for people, I try not to focus on myself, but the service I am trying to give. I identify the people who are listening, and direct my efforts to their needs. An outward focus is one key to shaking anxious thoughts and feelings.

Another thing I do to have courage is to act according to my beliefs, not my fears. I want to serve, not cower inside my house in fear of a virus or any other thing. So, I take precautions and try to do things for people.

Most of what we read in the news is designed to peddle fear and division. It is worth the effort to avoid sensational coverage of events that is meant to stir up anxiety.

I read and re-read 1 and 2 Nephi. It is full of honest encounters with fear. Even the very best feel like their trials are more than they can handle sometimes. The difference between those who triumph and fail is not how they feel, it is in how they act. I try to be like Nephi.

Other simple actions that keep fear and anxiety at bay: prayer, playing calming music, staying hydrated and working on getting adequate sleep, coloring books, walking outside, connecting with a friend on the phone, and reading my stash of Reminisce magazines. It is okay to be gentle with ourselves. It is okay to identify the essentials and simply focus on those when we are in a fog. My mom likes to say, “Rest, then keep going.”

Do you need some hope today? I know I do. Things are rough right now in the Ross and Sanchez families as two of our loved ones are in hospice care. Still, there are layers of experience in the sad times that I don’t want to forget. Life is never just one thing. Even within an hour there are experiences of all kinds to be found. When I have been in great physical pain, I have noticed that intense pain is not constant. I try to focus on the instants where the pain relents to see that even during painful times, there is still peace and mercy. The same is true with emotional pain.

I believe there is a universe of experiences, difficult and happy, behind every smile. So, here is a smile from my grieving face. I feel vulnerable doing this, but today I send hope in Christ to you with a smile.

The ministering of angels

Agony in the Garden by Frans Schwartz

I draw a lot of comfort from the doctrine of the ministering of angels. If you need some reminders that angels are all around us and helping us, here are just a few of my favorite scriptures on the topic:

2 Nephi 31:13-14

2 Nephi 32:2-3

Alma 32:23

3 Nephi 17:24

Moroni 7:29-30, 36-37

2 Kings 6:15-17

Luke 22:43

Angels serve as witnesses and guides to what is really important. “Look,” “Fear not,” and “Behold” are some of the simple words they use to redirect our attention to Christ. They are with us. They show themselves “to those of strong faith and a firm mind in every form of godliness” (Moroni 7:29-30). We may not see angels, they but I believe they play a part in leading us to every holy and pure thing we can experience in this life.

Loved

Here is a list of kind things people did for us or gave to us this month when they knew we were stuck at home.

  • Prayers
  • Texts showing concern
  • Offers to shop for us
  • 100 Chick-fil-A nuggets, a salad, and wraps
  • Blueberry muffins
  • Heart shaped sugar cookies
  • A Door Dash delivery of cookies from a local bakery
  • Ice cream
  • Ice cream and root beer
  • Several bags of apples
  • 2 dozen eggs
  • Macarons in rainbow colors
  • A trip to the grocery store for basics
  • Soup and pie
  • People changed their plans.
  • People showed empathy.
  • Some people stayed on the porch to talk to us when they delivered things.
  • Emails: from friends and teachers, all very supportive
  • Phone calls
  • Mail
  • Someone took a responsibility off my list for church.
  • Our neighbor plowed our walks and driveway several times, and one of those times was at 5:30 am.
  • We had Door Dash money left over from a generous neighbor when I had surgery, so we could use the remainder to get something Richard craved.

I feel that these things are just what our Savior would do. People are good.

2020 photo album

Richard is on the 9th or 10th day of his bout with COVID-19. We don’t know where he was exposed. The illness has a new character each day, but his oxygen levels have been fine, so I am grateful for that. He has stayed isolated from us, and no one else at home has tested positive. The worry I have felt is a small thing compared to what others have gone through with this illness so I hesitate to even mention it. I will say that although Richard’s case can be termed as “mild” and he has not complained, this is a different kind of illness and unpleasant at best.

What is helping us get through quarantine? Entertainment. Empathy from an employee of the attendance office at the high school. Dedicated teachers who make education happen. Surprises left on our porch from friends. Sunsets. For me, it helps to have routines I can do without thinking and something to look forward to each day. On Tuesday, it was the arrival of our 2020 photo book. I wrote before that creating this album helped me see that 2020 was a great year for the Ross family. God gives us eyes to see sometimes.

Doll Work 5

There is something I need to fix, but her face is almost the way I like it. I love how her smile turned out. The next step is hair, and I will take some pictures of that process. I think the hair is the biggest hurdle. The trick for me is not to think too much and get trapped in a planning loop. It really just takes some courage to BEGIN.

I finished a really good book this week called Gideon’s Trumpet by Anthony Lewis, which is about the journey toward the right to counsel. It’s only the second book I have ever read about the Supreme Court, and you know what, I loved them both. The other was called The Great Dissent: How Oliver Wendell Holmes Changed His Mind and changed the History of Free Speech in America by Thomas Healy.

Law literature and facial features. These are just two parts of the odd mix knocking around in my head.