Church – Page 15 – Letters from Home

Margins

I have always had meaningful work at church until five months ago. Even after out-of-state moves, I was busy at church within a month. I count these last five months as some of the most trying of my life. I have continued to minister to people on my own, and that has been sweet and saving, but there was a dread that crept in every Saturday night when I remembered that church was the next day. I wanted to partake of the sacrament, but I was sad to have nothing to do at church. (I was given a church job but I had to wait several months to act.)

For the first time in my life, I was experiencing what it feels like to be the marginal person whom people do not ask for help. Sure, I had a husband and children on the bench with me, so I looked like the model church goer, but my spirit was living on the margins.

Meaningful work is one key to mental health. The timing of school starting and no longer home schooling, Daniel going on a mission, and being released as RS president meant that I lost almost every piece of meaningful work in the same month.

I am coming out on the other side of that pain now and I am glad I went to church each week, even when it was hard.

I am glad I followed the prophet’s 4 tasks given to the women of the church, even though I was so angry at the time. Those tasks weren’t token acts to show I was being good. This was preparation for meaningful work in a home centered church.

The other night I was looking at pictures from the last five months, and you know what? I don’t look the way I felt inside. I actually have a bit of a glow in my smile. Where was God during all of this time of pain? His Spirit was right inside of me, holding me up and teaching me. I had a private tutor, guiding my thoughts and giving me courage to keep going. I see it now. At the time, I thought I was living on the margins of the flock, unnoticed, but I was actually being upheld by God. There is no better inclusion than that. I know God a little better now, and he is with the people on the margins.

Snow, Words, and Studio

I spent some time at BYU for a New Testament Commentary conference (yay Julie) and stopped by Paige’s studio.

I have spent an insane amount of time looking at short videos of Mark’s Scout Troop playing in the snow at the Klondike Derby this weekend. It brings me such delight to hear the boys’ voices and see them trying to run in snow pants and colorful parkas against a snowy background. It is the end of childhood and they are playing. My heart!

We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.
Anais Nin

Simple, uncomplicated me, just dipping my toes into being a mother of adults, wonders, “What do I know?” Very little. Nothing at all. But I delight in hearing my friend Julie Smith speak, whose book, The Gospel According to Mark, A New Rendition, was just published. I delight in seeing little boys happy, in seeing Paige’s actual palette of paints, in hearing Tim’s friends laughing in the basement, and watching Richard enjoy the lemon bars I made. There is depth and validity in those delights. It was a good weekend.

The Week at a Glance

Lexi Walker was incredible in this show!

Relief Society. I am in the bottom left, listening to Maren explain that just because a room is organized doesn’t mean it will always be clean…unless one keeps it clean. (Mind. blown.) (Mudroom, I am talking about you.)

Tim begins another dance odyssey. This is a frisbee on which the paper is mounted. So cute.

I found a really good deal on a really nice smoker. Richard has wanted one for about 8 years. So we bought it.

Emphasis on the idea that Angie Found a Good Deal. Originally $1000

Stream of Consciousness

After a blustery night and as I enter a gray-brown day, I see winter-swept scenery through bare branches. I have some projects with fabric once the floors dry and I finish dusting. I need to do some clothing alterations. After that, I hope for easier weather when I have to carry my sewing machine to a friend’s house for quilt work with friends who will probably be dressed in gray sweaters. Sometimes the howl of the wind thinks it will remind me it is winter, but I need no reminders. The steely light permeates every corner of the house, a reminder that the sunlight is there, but has traveled through miles of clouds to reach us. Today, we just get the leftovers of sunshine. The views are bleak, but the snowflakes on my window help.

Even my church assignment (I still do not feel it is a “calling”) is about the dead. Shoulders hunched and eyes focused on computer screens, I study clues from handwriting of those long gone. I sit among people 20-30 years older than I am in research classes and feel young! Woot! I have never felt so isolated, but I anticipate connection with living people will be possible in this work, eventually. I am entering my fifth month away from church assignments involving people who breathe. My temple and family history assignment still is not defined, and I wait. It’s a busy kind of waiting, as I have so much to learn. I am giving many hours a week to a work that feels absolutely invisible, kind of like housework. Ha!

My assigned ministering route was changed and not a single woman wants me in her home. Some have had it with churchy things. Another just needs to get out of the house rather than have a visit. She helped me make the snowflakes on my window as we talked this week. I count it an act of trust when I get a text from one asking me to give her son a ride home from school. Discipleship and ministry are among the indefinable things.

I gift myself one day of study a week. In these books, I lose myself to a degree that I call indulgence. Church prophets have often told women they are needed and important, but now I feel I have been given a task to prove it. I have come to understand that my New Testament knowledge, gleaned over years and years, is needed in my family. I still apologize and feel insecurity when I let myself be seen by my family for who I am: a scripture nerd. I spend time coming up with activities that will allow my sons to come to love the New Testament as I do. It takes all my self-control not to spill out what I have learned and what I feel, and what the Jews did, and what the landscape is like, and what a different translation teaches, and literary techniques of Gospel writers, and, and, and, and…Mary kept these things and pondered them in her heart. In a house full of men who do not enjoy conversation, I do a lot of pondering.

A few weeks ago I realized that Tim and Mark have seen very few plays, so I bought tickets to The Wizard of Oz at Hale Center Theater for later today. This will be a good start to a four-day weekend for them, and we are all ready for it. There was a bomb threat at Tim’s school this week and half the student body stayed home on Wednesday. This week I have learned that I need to get used to my children being in mortal peril. Let’s celebrate by watching Dorothy get swept away by a tornado and flying monkeys!

Wonderful, Counsellor

This week’s BYU devotional was given by Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. I am glad I listened to it. He acknowledged the grief over the tragedy at BYU this week and pointed us to the scripture in Isaiah which lists some of the titles of Christ, “Wonderful, Counsellor…,” with an emphasis on the title of Counsellor. He also recited every word of the hymn, Where Can I Turn for Peace? His words were healing. I learned during his talk that joy is a state of being. Joy is a godly focus, not just happy, fun feelings. He invited us to study the sources of joy spoken of in the scriptures and to share the joy in Christ with others.

After the devotional, I put the letters J-O-Y on the wall. This will be a record that God inspired a prophet today to remind us of joy.

I chose these advent calendar scriptures and their order in 2015 for someone who was suffering. This year, I am sharing them online. Here is the scripture Elder Bednar quoted at the BYU devotional:

This is the scripture for December 5. We rejoice in Christ.

Dear Friends

Our Relief Society presidency was released last Sunday. I have felt all of the emotions about this change in my life, but have landed on joy, and that is where I will stay. I have no ultimate regrets or concerns about things left undone. I know I served with all I had, and was strengthened by God to go beyond that. I have loved this calling, and have thanked my Father in Heaven often for the privilege to serve in such a deep way. Most of all, I have loved the relationships I have been able to build with the people in my neighborhood. My presidency has been ideal for me and for the season we served. Each was so needed in her role, so perfectly prepared by experiences, personal gifts, and goodness. I asked Paige to make a simple sketch of our faces, close together, that I could frame or embroider. I love these women!

Church History Questions

I LOVED the Face To Face event with Elder Cook and two Church historians, Kate Holbrook and Matt Grow last night. I always cheer for Brother Grow. He is the father of one of Tim’s friends.

You can view it here:

Face to Face

They answer questions about transparency in Church history, the accounts of the First Vision, polygamy, translation of the Book of Mormon, and more. The historians’ words are eloquent and full of faith.

Deseret News Summary

Empathy training

In recent months, it has become very clear to me that empathetic people are powerful influencers. I think one of the things my sons have learned through my Relief Society service is empathy. They have been great supports these past 3 years, and this week, they had the perfect words to say in response to something that happened to me. Then they helped with dinner.

Two happy things

I found him. Can you? This image is from the Mexico MTC Facebook page. Let me be clear: I am NOT going to be a Facebook mother, offering opinions about what’s going on in his mission with other mothers. I guess this is a thing (smh). It is fun to see this huge group that entered the MTC with him, though.

There was a knock on the door during my Relief Society presidency meeting this week, and it was two members of the Elders Quorum presidency coming to update me on a few ministering changes and to talk to Richard. I invited them to join my presidency meeting and we addressed a lot of issues. I can’t tell you what a blessing this was. This conversation lifted a handful of burdens. Ministering takes a lot of coordination and teamwork, and I am grateful for the new direction in the Church, but also for an Elders Quorum president who shows us over and over that he wants us to be a team.

Consolation

Kindness is the most difficult thing to take right now because it brings out emotions I think I have already dealt with, but kindness also reminds me that I am understood. I may not be answering the door, but I am doing well. I am out each day doing Relief Society work. I have taken the kids to the mall and Costco and up the canyon for driving practice. I am preparing meals and cleaning the house. I am not crying all the time, but I am not yet myself. I am thankful for friends, whose gestures cannot all be pictured here. From eighty-five year-old neighbor Stanford called to check on me, to sixteen-year-old friend Lillie who decorated a cake for us, they represent many ages. Another special friend has left a succession of packages throughout the week. We were invited to dinner and received many flower deliveries. We have felt love from many states. There are friends from Texas and Arizona and high school who have taken time to write words of excitement for us. These gifts of consolation add up to quite a celebration, which is appropriate, considering we have a son who is worthy and willing to be a light.