Angela – Page 177 – Letters from Home

My 18 month project

Hello, friend. Thanks for reading and checking on our family adventures. Some posts I write for myself, others are a history, and sometimes I write with just you (dear reader) in mind. What can I share that will help and lift you? Today I’m writing a religious post.

Sometimes the familiar can become almost invisible. About a year ago I realized that my religious study was not feeding me. The familiar words of scripture weren’t making a difference in my life. I needed something to help me focus.

I decided to journal what I learned about my Father in Heaven as I read The Book of Mormon. At first I kept a notebook at my side, but then I found that notes in the margins of the scriptures kept my mind focused on the words more effectively. I just wrote short statements about Heavenly Father’s interactions with his children based on the stories I was reading. It wasn’t difficult. I just asked myself over and over, “What does this passage tell me about my Heavenly Father?”

I didn’t use my regular set of scriptures. I used an old copy so I wouldn’t worry about taking up too much room in the margins with my notes. I did this for 18 months (I’m a slow study). What I now have is an old copy of the Book of Mormon filled with insights about my Father in Heaven. I learned so much and I am sure I could repeat the project and wonder why I didn’t see more.

I’m not going to make a list of what I learned, but perhaps if you feel that your study of scripture has become a little peripheral this may help you to focus. I found my Father in Heaven in the words and I felt his influence in my life more fully through the exercise. If God is unchanging, these miracles and principles from the Bible and The Book of Mormon should still occur today. As I searched for principles and practices, I found that my life was rich with blessings and my mind was opened to the miracles in my life. It was a simple way to feel the power and love of God.

Here is what a few of my pages look like. Sorry some pictures are blurry. I’m in a hurry today.

Autumn joys

The familiar back-to-school feeling with its gold-toned memories and crisp air is all around us. I can’t keep my eyes off the mountains above our house. The red maples have been brilliant for a few weeks, but this weekend, the aspen trees erupted into bright yellow color. My autumn heart is satisfied and happy.

Over the weekend we opened up our bed and breakfast to some cousins. Some of our activities included playing with Legos, Styrofoam, cars, planes, remote controlled vehicles, board games, markers, Sparky, Polly Pockets, and Ellos. We played basketball, painted the girls’ nails, gave jeep rides, slid down the banister, watched Scooby Doo, and invited my aunt and her family to join us for dinner. Nine house guests at once made me smile. That’s the total we would accumulate in 2 or 3 years in Arizona.

Transition

In addition to learning a new city and a new house, I’m learning how to be alone. I often do this by going places where I won’t be alone.

I visit the elementary school almost daily. Sometimes I just eat with Mark. I’m also helping one or two mornings a week with reading lessons and I love the kids and the window it gives me into Mark’s world.

I shop for fabric and furniture that I don’t purchase. I walk down aisles of picture frames, autumn decor, and dishes which I never put in my cart. I’ve tried on a lot of jeans that I don’t buy.

The other day I did buy a Utah counties puzzle because how can we live without that? I guess this shows that I’m still the same person who finds more enjoyment from educational material than fabric and more happiness teaching reading lessons than just about anything else.

Fish Creek

Another benefit from living in Utah is we can tag along on family gatherings without having to buy a plane ticket or take time off from work. Richard goes to Fish Creek faithfully… probably once a year, but it has always meant that he leaves our family behind.

Well, not this year. The kids and I were able to go this weekend. I have been to Fish Creek a few times before, but Mark and Timothy had never been. It’s pretty much a land of enchantment. Let me tell you what I mean.

Fish Creek is the only place in the universe where we ride in the back of a pickup truck. I told Mark that it’s the only place he will ever be allowed to do this, even after he becomes an adult. Some rules just have to remain eternal or I won’t be able to sleep at night.

Fish Creek is the only place in which we use the pronunciation, “crick”.

Fish Creek (are you saying “crick” in your mind?) is the only place where I loosen up enough to ride a motorcycle.

Fish Creek is a place where you fit 16 people and two dogs in a pickup truck. You eat fried chicken, cheese curds from Beaver, eggs from the Russ and Nancy farm, and licorice in all its varieties.

It’s history, it’s cousins, it’s dirt roads and mining cabins, leaves changing color, big sky and peace. We had a great time.

And here is the outtake of the day:

Here’s a closeup of the best part. I call it “Sparky’s worldview.”

Courageous at the Core

I love my Markie. He’s feeling the separation from me at school very deeply. Instead of allowing him to complain aloud so often, we came up with a sign that he can give when he feels upset. It means, “I need a hug.” We do a lot of hugging these days.

I pray a lot for my kids. I also pray for their teachers to have an extra measure of empathy and love.

I believe that everyone is adventurous and courageous at the core. I believe that that every person had a choice whether or not they came to earth. We showed courage to come here for experience and growth. I reminded the kids about that the other day as we walked to school. We talked about life being full of adventures and that we chose this life, full of challenges because we are brave and we need to learn.

I also believe that when we made the decision to come to earth, it was an informed decision. We didn’t know what our lives would bring, but we knew our Father and we understood that life on earth was an essential step to becoming like Him. We knew there would be a Savior and we knew Him better then, too. We knew that we could trust Him.

I really can’t remember these events, but I know they happened. While my mind can’t remember them, somehow my spirit does, and this brings comfort. It’s a comfort to me to know that I had a home I loved before I came here and to which I can return. It’s a comfort to understand that it’s not important to know the outcome of everything. It’s just important to trust in a God who knows us, loves us, and provides a way for us to face our challenges with courage.

Now, let’s go take on the day.

Innocence on September 11th

photo taken just days before September 11, 2001

Somehow it’s therapeutic to retell where we were when terrible events happened. I was home in Austin, Texas with little Paige and Daniel and a neighbor baby on the morning of September 11, 2001. As the news spread, another neighbor left her babies with me as she ran to the school to pick up her daughter. I gathered the five innocents on the little toddler bed in our school room and turned off the television that replayed events too terrible for them to see. I was grateful that our home was a safe haven for the children who were in my care that day. That evening I put on my Cub Scout uniform and spent time with the Cub Scouts, talking and listening, numb and sad, but feeling the pride of that American flag on the uniform. I have always felt grateful that I was surrounded by innocent children on that day.

Perfect

On Friday evening I took the kids out to dinner. It was a reward to Mark for good behavior in school. We sat out on the patio of the restaurant. Orange, red, and green trees dotted the mountains behind us. The temperature was perfect and the insects stayed away.

The new fountain drink dispenser-turned-constantly-flowing-water-feature entertained us as employees tried to fix it while still serving drinks.

We talked about the new piano teacher, ballet classes, and friends at church. I searched my purse for some cash to buy ice cream for dessert.

I looked at each of the kids, smiling and relaxed together. Paige shared a chair with Mark, Timothy curled up on his chair, and Daniel occasionally waved at friends who were inside the restaurant.

I said, “This feels perfect, just like the old days when we used to spend all day together.”

I have made it a point not to pine over the old days, so I added, “But even though things have changed, it’s a new kind of perfect.”

And it is.

The new kind of perfect is being able to sit outside at a restaurant for an evening meal. It’s classrooms and lockers, recess and cafeterias. It’s repairing old pipes and fixtures in our free time, enjoying our season tickets to BYU football games and gorging on Cougar tails. It’s falling asleep early each night because we’re so tired from all the new people and surroundings. It’s enjoying a backyard with shade, open windows in the house, and a sunny mudroom for laundry and lockers holding backpacks bulging with homework. It’s seeing family and feeling like we’re in the loop again with family news and events. It’s tears and fear, insecurities and new experiences, my mouth full of canker sores from the stress, all while being sheltered by a good house that creaks in the night. Of course it’s a mixture of emotions and reactions, but I know that perfection is something you create, not something that is handed to you. We’re making things work, just as we would anywhere. It does help that we feel like we’re “home,” though.

Details vs. Vision

When people ask me, “So what are you going to do with all of that time now that you’re not home schooling?” I can’t agree that I have “all of that time.” In a related conversation, a mother of 6 in my ward, introducing herself, said, “I just stay at home.”

In my opinion, there is no “JUST” staying at home.

School, public or home, requires a lot from a parent. Raising children means doing most things with a lack of sleep, even when the baby years are over. It requires a lot of shopping. It involves renting instruments and buying music; there are trips to Scouts, ballet, and piano lessons. It’s getting up early to take them to seminary and staying up late waiting for them to come home from the dance. Good parenting is seeing that appropriate jobs are assigned and completed and that the family is exercising and eating healthy foods. It’s enforcing reading time and bedtime and limiting computer use. It’s saying no to sleepovers and inappropriate movies. Those are the details of parenting.

And then there is the vision part of parenting. It’s being aware of emotional, intellectual, social, spiritual, and physical needs. As children grow older, this becomes more complex. My best parenting takes place when I have a refrigerator full of food, a well-planned menu, and I have been reading my scriptures and saying my prayers. It’s at these times that I have the clearest vision of what my children need.

I prefer vision over details. I always have. So, with my extra hours in the morning, I will see that there is food in the refrigerator and that I’m maintaining my relationship with the Lord so I can have better understanding of His plan for us.

Someone suggested that when kids go to school it allows mothers to prepare themselves so they can be more present when their kids are home. I can’t completely agree because nothing comes automatically in family life. Just because I have time doesn’t mean I will use it well. Also, when I was home schooling, the Lord provided a way for me to do it all. I cooked our meals, cleaned our house, and at various times served as a Relief Society President, a primary teacher, a Cub Scout den leader, Cub Committee Chair, a member of a RS and Primary presidency, and a Young Women president… all while providing an education for my children.

During those home schooling years, Heavenly Father handled the vision and the details. And as I move forward, sometimes with teary eyes and heartache, I am trusting that this pattern will continue because I need just as much help as I did then.

The first day at public school and my walk home

Mark and Timothy were kind enough to pose for a few pictures to show off their new school.

Mark is sporting the greatest pair of shoes I’ve ever seen.

I wore my sunglasses so I could cry when Mark walked away from me for the first time.

I haven’t been alone for 16 years, but I walked home by myself and took some photos along the way.

I like my neighborhood. I love my neighborhood.

Here’s our new house.

Those big trees in the front and the back are all ours.

This is our front porch. I’m going to paint that planter in a few months when I finish reading all of the documents the schools have sent home with the kids.

So, it’s me and the piano and Sparky all day together. I don’t really count Sparky because he is personally offended that I come home each morning without the kids. He’s depressed and pouts in his mudroom cage most of the day.

An Inaugural Theme Song

httpv://youtu.be/GBaHPND2QJg

It’s an exciting, sad, happy, tiring, exhilarating, and glorious time in our lives. My journal has been the more appropriate place for my thoughts lately, but this music speaks of our new experiences too tender to share. Try to overlook that it’s another flash mob YouTube video.