Dear friend,
I write as I listen to the machinery getting started in my neighborhood. Today, it is an excavator removing a lawn. I have placed my chair so I don’t have to watch, but I can’t escape the sounds. Construction sounds and large trucks and vehicles parked all over the street make for a congested scene.
This week marks the second anniversary of my surgery and long adjustment to a new diet. At least I can still eat candy. And with great sincerity, I want to say I am grateful for my life!
My grandmother taught me to use a timer for tasks. Recently, I set a 10-minute timer in each room I wanted to clean. In an hour, I had done more than I expected because I didn’t have time to get distracted. Also, each day I set a 3-hour timer in the late mornings where I am not supposed to touch my phone. I am in need of all such remedial helps.
When I get Instagram friend requests from teen girls in my neighborhood, I bite my clenched fist and wonder if I should accept. I don’t want to contribute to their social angst. I can’t be counted upon to respond to all their content, and I feel a responsibility to provide some of my own steadying content for their feeds. I am currently so disgusted with social media, and what the creators have knowingly done to girls and women, and therefore families. I am sad that so many women-run businesses depend upon an ever-changing and impossible algorithm to promote their brands.
I finished Brothers Karamazov this week. (If you’re curious, to pronounce it, there is an emphasis on the second a.) I read it to gain some wisdom, but mostly felt baffled by the incongruous mixture of content: murder, monastic life, courtroom scenes, debauchery, betrayal, suicide, mentoring children…It was Dostoyevsky’s last book, and I guess he had things he wanted to say.
A few of quotes from the book,
There are souls which, in their limitation, blame the whole world. But subdue such a soul with mercy, show it love, and it will curse its past, for there are many good impulses in it. Such a heart will expand and see that God is merciful and that men are good and just.
Despair and penitence are two very different things.
Ah, man should be dissolved in prayer.
Don’t be like everyone else, even if you are the only one.
Cana of Galilee, the first miracle… Ah, that miracle! Ah, that sweet miracle! It was not men’s grief, but their joy Christ visited. He worked his first miracle to help men’s gladness.
When you are left alone, pray
And even though your light was shining, yet you see men were not saved by it, hold firm and doubt not the heavenly light. Believe that if they were not saved, they will be saved hereafter, then their sons will be saved, for your light will not die when you are dead. The righteous man departs, but his light remains.
Prayer is an education.
Must… Stop… Quoting… Dostoyevsky…
Recently, we arrived at the first gathering of young men and women at our house with Mark, our baby, as host. I remember the shock of our first girl-boy party when it arrived for Daniel. I smile to see that some younger siblings mirror their older sisters’ steps into our house.
Richard is the only person I know who has a weight lifting bench that he uses regularly.
Daniel is getting married in July, and it occurs to me that I never got around to hanging those shelves he wanted in his bedroom. It is too late now. Don’t get me wrong, this is not the only thing I think I have neglected in my teaching and caring of him. Insert end of an era kind of emotions here.
Richard and I were able to get appointments at the Draper temple on Good Friday. I love this temple more than any other, and I am so glad they are back to (I think) full capacity.
Well, this has been an indulgent and rambling letter. Take what you need, and try to forget the rest. Thank you for taking time to check in.
Love,
A.