Some of you have read this blog from its beginning, eleven years ago, when I was in my smug thirties, so self-assured that I considered myself a lifestyle expert. Perhaps you noticed the move to Utah in 2012 was the death of many things, including the belief that I know anything. Over the years, the posts about parenting and education have slowed, and a trend towards more religious thought comes through. I know I am not sophisticated in my understanding. In case you wondered, I do see my limitations in logic, experience, skill, and depth on the topic, but my basic faith is almost all I feel like talking about. Teenagers will do this to you, no matter how much you love them.
To grow up is to give up idols, even the ones that we thought were safe to keep: dependence on a friend, youth, surroundings, talents, processes, or routines. To grow up is to be shaken, again and again, out of comfy shoes to march in new ways. At age 45, growing up is squared shoulders and brisk walks into unfamiliar rooms, sometimes seeing smiles fade with my approach. It’s white knuckles, holding on to a few words that are true. It’s finding meaning in the warmth of the sun hitting my hair as I pray before facing a challenge. It’s a racing pulse while saying the things God puts into the heart. It’s choosing silence in order to snuff out animosity. It’s discerning light, despite people expressing doubt and fear everywhere. It’s goodbye after goodbye. It’s disappointing people. It’s watching myself become ridiculous and also deaf. It’s ignoring the urge to blend in. It’s giving, despite an absence of response or a negative response to the gift.
To write is to give and give. What can I write about? I choose to write what I love. What do I love? The gospel of Jesus Christ. Family. Beautiful things. Hope. Faith. Revelation. Good bread. The struggle to understand truth. The battle for joy.
Thanks for your patience as I figure out how to write these things with greater skill and without the smugness of my thirties or a hint of offering platitudes. Growing up is taking a lot of energy lately. Who knows, maybe I’ll write something here tomorrow, but maybe not for while. I surely don’t know. And I am ok with that.